Doctor of philosophy

That's the title of a (Polish) jazz record my guitar teacher made. (In 2014, the time when I was seeking self, meaning and homeland in dusty & martyrological Warsaw and on the side benefitted from spending the British pounds I'd shnorred from the last PhD scholarship on professional guitar lessons with an actual jazz musician …

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Urban retreat and nervous system deregulation

Since my partner left on a business trip, I've been torn between doing a silent retreat back in my village, or just staying in the hellish city and trying to do the same – the upside here being that it saves me 2 days of travel and 2 additional days of anxiety/exhaustion around travel.  My …

The fine art of fruitful complaining

On a butoh retreat with many crazy artists in Italy, a Hungarian colleague remarked to me that I'm probably the most negative person he knows – I skilfully find something to complain about in any situation. He said he'd spent time in Poland (my patriotic fatherland) at one point and noticed that Polish people in …

Human, just more so

Having recently talked to an autism educator (at autismmatters.org.uk) and educated myself otherwise on the matter, I learnt that my current life situation seems to be quite the aspie classic: three degrees, three failed PhDs, no job, no house (residence in 6 countries and counting), constant background anxiety and and bouts of depression devolving the …

Depression teaches on the nature of the mind. (Philosophy and pseudo-Buddhism from craziness.)

Apparently, the strategy I came up with last time when writing about this topic works somewhat (Why invite depression for a chat when not depressed?) – that strategy is simply not freaking out (anymore, for the 5,000,000 time) about the repetitive and unavoidable. At least it seems that when darker episodes come ... they come …

Ships & lighthouses, pillars of identity, and why to sacrifice to the Hungry Gods

I've been somewhat lost and stranded in Berlin these days, after spontaneous visits, trips, time in the mountains ... living in other people's and their parents' houses. After four months of hermitage, I got an invitation and decided to follow it. Two weeks were great, week three starts with nosebleed, emotional flu and a bout …

snowflakes in august, springs of the clockwork

You are beautiful. there's some beauty, fragile like snow in between gestures and silence. your presence absorbs screams and grating sounds like sand absorbs raindrops. you lead me back to zero. . you lead me back to your zero. i hook my psi radar to it and i am calm or happy for a few …

Glittering things and human needs

I still want all the glittering things. I want to adorn myself with feathers Of travels Knowledge Status Connection. . I still feel i am nothing If i am just a human being. . I still know very little Of how to provide for the actual human needs of a human being In this type …

How to keep your balance across cycles of desire and disappointment

Desire, hope, insecurity, disappointment. Hope, desire, hesitance, disappointment. Insecurity. Disappointment. Relief. . Some of us are bounceballs. But some are eggs. I'm not sure if you made sense of the sequences above, but that's what life seems to be made of in large part. For some of us these cycles are greater, deeper, more intense, …