Communing with the truth. How an autistic family puzzle got solved and a cracked circle made sense.

Personal account of realising quite late that I've been masking autism (playing normal) for a very long time; recounting related history of mental health troubles, family insights (autistic parent), relationship insights, meltdowns and shutdowns, regrets, hopes, reflections, images, metaphors about the experience. From the perspective of a queer aspie; contains emotions, existential reflections, the Japanese flag as a substitute for a Dali painting, and resources on autistic women / girls and masking.

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Is it wise to think of mental health crises as shamanic awakenings? Features positive disintegration, post-traumatic growth, and self-delusion.

Bookish and theory (but also exhibitionist personal) post on whether what's called "mental health crises" in contemporary parlance is equally well – or better – conceptualised as either the necessary growth pains of personality development (Dąbrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration; post-traumatic growth theorists) or the breakthrough moments in spiritual development (Brogan, McLaren, and lots of others including New Age shamanism). Includes bibliographical and Pink Floyd references. 

Is there strength and resilience in constant disintegration?

I haven't been doing justice to this blog's title lately – in fact, it's made me feel somewhat guilty and ashamed. Reaching too high. This is because the last weeks have been another "zero point" phase – and these phases are so frequent in my life. (Sometimes I'm thinking of reading Dabrowski's Theory of Positive … Continue reading Is there strength and resilience in constant disintegration?

Does suppressing your sensitive intensity suck the juices out of your life?

I knew I had a lot of quirks – even as a very young child I was vaguely aware that there seemed to be something special about my perception that others didn't share. I could look at the structure of tiny things like leaves, grass or beetles for a long time. I could observe ants … Continue reading Does suppressing your sensitive intensity suck the juices out of your life?

Your soul has left this house. (Loss poetry.)

Your soul has left this house. I see this. I felt it a few days or weeks ago. It just suddenly became obvious, like a blatant and self-understood fact. * I don't know where it went. But the plaster has started falling off the walls in a few secret spots; the paint has started peeling … Continue reading Your soul has left this house. (Loss poetry.)

Love is rain at the roots. (Love poetry.)

This is to the magician whose love has the power to manifest as a physical reality about 6288.64 km away.  So you don't see your strength. You are crazy. You think because I have determination and can lash out at people and spirits to stay where their place is, I'm strong. That's violence and helplessness, unless … Continue reading Love is rain at the roots. (Love poetry.)

The black-footed girl. True story on clairvoyance, and why I entered and quit energy healing.

Story time This was earlier this year. A friend who claimed that I had fixed her knee (this story: The physical empath enters your knee) called me up in Berlin, saying one of her friends was worried about her daughter. I had seen that friend in a picture, but never met her. I knew she was … Continue reading The black-footed girl. True story on clairvoyance, and why I entered and quit energy healing.

The heart of darkness. A true story about clairvoyance and queer-dating crazy scientists.

This was another internet blind date; in the picturesque market square of an Eastern European provincial town boasting a city hall with an original Renaissance facade; artists trading sketches in the archways of crooked, colourful toy houses. I didn't know anything about her apart from the fact that she knew exotic spices and was a … Continue reading The heart of darkness. A true story about clairvoyance and queer-dating crazy scientists.

How I confused being on the autism spectrum with being highly sensitive.

The personal story part I'll start with a story, then come to theory and philosophising. A hippie summer in Brighton In autumn 2011 I was spending time in a quaint, colourfully hand-decorated fairytale house with a picturesque mountain slope garden in Brighton, UK. An enigmatic hippie-nurse with three grown up kids featuring the most individualistic, … Continue reading How I confused being on the autism spectrum with being highly sensitive.