I wear other people’s clothes

I wear other people's clothes. I can't resist wanting to know what it's like to be you. Maybe it's better than being me. . Maybe it's a bit of relief from being me. A north star, because being me is disorienting. Quiet and disorienting in that no one has taught me to read the shapes … Continue reading I wear other people’s clothes

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The astrologer visits

At the court of the prince. Pain emerges, the dream gushes forth into seas of the soul turned inside out and, unfortunately, upside down. Mars in retrograde doesn't explain the strings of pain in my stomach. But the arid yet formidable winds of Saturn, and the inverted faces of Mars and Venus -- you've almost … Continue reading The astrologer visits

A slightly scientific empath guide (with neuroscience and synaesthesia). Part 1.

I've just finished drafting the first part of my empath guide project. It answers the ominous yet fundamental question ... Are you an empath? ... in a way you probably aren't used to, with a logical and science-trained aspie mind that's been obsessing about these questions for a while. No angels, crystals, orbs, salt baths, … Continue reading A slightly scientific empath guide (with neuroscience and synaesthesia). Part 1.

What is the difference between high sensitivity and energy sensitivity? HSP vs. empath. Features the ghost at the lake.

I have written both about high sensitivity (in Elaine Aron's sense) and energy sensitivity before. In the last weeks, as I have been receiving guests to my hermitage after a looong (involuntary) solitary retreat, and especially last weekend, it "clicked" for me. Below is another fun exercise in cataloguing human neurodiversity (or my obnoxious pattern-matching … Continue reading What is the difference between high sensitivity and energy sensitivity? HSP vs. empath. Features the ghost at the lake.

How to misunderstand radical acceptance, and what being at home with sensations and emotions may mean.

Acceptance allergy I used to be allergic to the mere mention of "acceptance" in any kind of psychology or spirituality or self-help book. It would give me a psychological rash. Accept traumatic past events? Accept injustice? Accept the state of the world? . Acceptance solves most of your problems The general theme would be that … Continue reading How to misunderstand radical acceptance, and what being at home with sensations and emotions may mean.

Descending into the Hades negotiating over souls. (Panic poetry.)

... I can't do it. I'm too rational for that. I know they will do what their deepest will is, what their ultimate rightness is. I'm not here to oppose the plans of Time, of the tao, to change the dharma. I understand (and I feel) when people want to leave. * I strongly suspect … Continue reading Descending into the Hades negotiating over souls. (Panic poetry.)

Communing with the truth. How an autistic family puzzle got solved and a cracked circle made sense.

Personal account of realising quite late that I've been masking autism (playing normal) for a very long time; recounting related history of mental health troubles, family insights (autistic parent), relationship insights, meltdowns and shutdowns, regrets, hopes, reflections, images, metaphors about the experience. From the perspective of a queer aspie; contains emotions, existential reflections, the Japanese flag as a substitute for a Dali painting, and resources on autistic women / girls and masking.

Is it wise to think of mental health crises as shamanic awakenings? Features positive disintegration, post-traumatic growth, and self-delusion.

Bookish and theory (but also exhibitionist personal) post on whether what's called "mental health crises" in contemporary parlance is equally well – or better – conceptualised as either the necessary growth pains of personality development (Dąbrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration; post-traumatic growth theorists) or the breakthrough moments in spiritual development (Brogan, McLaren, and lots of others including New Age shamanism). Includes bibliographical and Pink Floyd references. 

Is there strength and resilience in constant disintegration?

I haven't been doing justice to this blog's title lately – in fact, it's made me feel somewhat guilty and ashamed. Reaching too high. This is because the last weeks have been another "zero point" phase – and these phases are so frequent in my life. (Sometimes I'm thinking of reading Dabrowski's Theory of Positive … Continue reading Is there strength and resilience in constant disintegration?