Human, just more so

Having recently talked to an autism educator (at autismmatters.org.uk) and educated myself otherwise on the matter, I learnt that my current life situation seems to be quite the aspie classic: three degrees, three failed PhDs, no job, no house (residence in 6 countries and counting), constant background anxiety and and bouts of depression devolving the body into something that resembles chronic fatigue (could also be called autistic burnout). 

Having discussed possible options out of this, those that I’ve already tried (without knowledge on autism) and those that are new to me, after a brief-naive bout of enthusiasm (that kept me up at night, as usual not being able to shut down an activated brain, whether that activation is destructive or creative) and the following sleepless night, there appeared the familiar silhouette: utter hyperactivation going into complete cognitive overwhelm generating utter anxiety followed by utter depression as the body gets exhausted by this.

In this ingeniously designed feedback loop, the depression then feeds the anxiety by presenting it with regrets, reproaches, dreary future scenarios, anger at things long past, self-deprecation, and their kin, making sure that any (shyly) returning vital energy is instantly burned up in renewed cognitive overload. 

There are two known solutions to this:

  1. never think of getting a job again; as the data just evidenced again that the mere thought is life-threatening.
  2. complain and lament at length to any available friends, making sure to alienate them preventatively, before they could think of being of help. 

Both solutions are highly efficient and economic, in that they have to be applied only once every few months to keep the situation stagnant. 

While Solution 2 does involve a certain energy expense, this investment guarantees that surplus energy will not be channeled into measurable action.

In homage to Spinoza, who said:

“Affectus, qui passio est, desinit esse passio simulatque eius claram et distinctam formamus ideam.”

Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.

Does it?

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