Being you

Being me for me always implies some degree of being you.

My nature doesn’t come with built-in walls and noise cancellation and convenient, numb dampening.

It must be comfortable to be cushioned, exposed largely only to your own thoughts.

I can do that if i am alone in the forest.

Or if i live very peacefully, cultivating stability, social and emotional hygiene, daily hours of immersion in meditation.

Otherwise my mind becomes a monster with 777 heads, some yours, tails, paws, the eyes of persons who passed me in the street, the feeling of persons who called me.

Once the monster is born, or created, it can be tough to ride it.

It will want to tear everything to shreds and escape into the forest, or the mountain.

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I don’t think i can stop being you, to some degree. It is in my nature.

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I am wondering if there is a trick, a switch, something which would prevent headless monsters from being created.

Do i have to live alone, mostly in the face of God and Nature.

Only these i can fully let into my being without being lost.

And shutting off that which is not suitable for letting in, dwelling within is a huge energy cost. I can’t even do it. The attempt seems to make it worse.

This probably can’t be done without faith in God or in Nature. This probably can’t be done without divine protection and the protection of the spirits that still dwell in places that i wander.

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Honoured perhaps to re-learn in the 21st century that it can’t be done without the soul. Painful and counter-cultural relearning.

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Circular logic. Maybe that’s why i’ve been seeing and feeling this other layer, undercurrent. Since you’ve been haunting me, maybe it’s time to learn to honourably cooperate. Maybe the challenge came with the tools at hand, just with no one who remembered.

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