Some of us had to watch the catastrophe

Some of us had to watch the catastrophe

Before we had the baseline

We actually learnt to live that way.

.

Fixing the catastrophe is more important than sleeping

Than eating

And there is no concept of well-being.

It seems presumptuous.

.

Some of us are not naturally selfish.

I would give my blood for yours. I do constantly without even realising (even though you no longer even need it). I didn’t know I’m supposed to have my own closed blood circuit.

.

Then we become very selfish. Because just one more drop, the slightest straw, and the system, body, physiology knows it will go to hell. Then we either fight or get sick, or both.

We become selfish because things need to be exactly the way we want them. There’s just a very narrow ribbon-line between two precipices.

.

I didn’t know there was supposed to be something like a comfort zone.

I missed the information.

It was far more important to keep you afloat,

To watch each of your steps, closely monitor each of your gestures,

Will you make it through the day in one piece today,

Or are you shattered.

Are you afraid of things i can’t see or understand.

Why is there always this small boy inside you, crying for help.

I didn’t know i have to eat, or breathe.

.

How could i live him alone?

.

I don’t know who left him alone in the first place.

.

It’s like a vision that haunts me.

I was watching your trembling hands, the final collapse of the ancien regime, i had no idea what was going on, i was hypnotised by it and the discovery of my own self existing is thirty years late. How many people with wounds smaller than my own have i tried to save from their own monsters along the way, because i never figured out that i feel somehow, and that how i feel matters.

.

I still don’t believe it’s true.

But i’ve decided to live and figured the only way to do that is to act as if it matters. Deliberately, rationally.

.

.

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*this is dedicated to my perfect friend. Both our fathers cracked up under the pressure of social / political change in eastern Europe. And to my magical friend from the naturally crackpot family. To all kids who thought they had to be stronger than their parents.

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