This was earlier this year. A friend who claimed that I had fixed her knee (this story: The physical empath enters your knee) called me up in Berlin, saying one of her friends was worried about her daughter.
I had seen that friend in a picture, but never met her. I knew she was working with children with special needs and was also a craniosacral therapist (or something like that), and that she had been trying to salvage a rather abusive marriage, with the help of a therapist and supposedly with some success. I didn’t know anything about the kids, except that there were two (tho I’m not even sure about that, might be three).
From the one picture I had seen, I could tell the mother seemed to be a rather sensitive, empathic, ayurvedically vata-type person. I liked her somehow, or at least could feel for her.
* * *
My friend asked me whether I’d “scan” that kid at the request of the mother, or potentially pull off my mysterious intuitive energy thing on the kid. She could supply a picture later during the day. Since at that phase I was into testing this whole pseudo-psychic thing, I immediately shut her up and told her not to give me any information whatsoever, except for the name (which she had already mentioned) – I just wanted to check out what I’d sense on a relatively blank slate.
Because I somehow felt compassion for that family, I didn’t wait until the picture came in the evening, but just had a trial session at noon. I said the girls name, demarcated a space before me with my hands in which things could appear if they wanted to, and started to feel with my hands through that space.
* * *
The girl apparently did appear, very quickly and easily. Her head was on the left, her feet on the right. The first thing I noticed, starting with my right hand, was strikingly strange – the soles of the feet were pitch black. In fact, they seemed to be almost covered with a sticky dark substance resembling tar. It seemed to have a gravity, too, downwards.
I knew from experience that black meant problems, but this one was in a funny location, almost outside the body.
I then moved up through the knees and the rest of the body. There was some tightness in the knees, but nothing striking … I went up and through the whole body like that.
* * *
I later wrote a long report (several pages) to the mother, which included the black tar feet (which I couldn’t interpret) and what I saw and felt as a huge sparkling orange ball, like an inflated balloon, held in the upper abdomen, almost bigger than the belly itself and bursting and lively and restless. I didn’t know what that was either, but sensing into it, it felt like a ball of unexpressed emotion and imagination – I came up with a number of interpretations. I could also sense – something I tend to pick up on a lot – that the uterus/ovaries system was inactive – I figured that the girl was not menstruating yet. I also got a general feel for the child – the feeling of her whole mindbody field (whatever to call that) was very subtle, pure, transparent (like lively, pure running water glittering in a mountain stream) – a sensitive, imaginative, creative, trusting child full of goodwill.
* * *
Both my friend and the mother were apparently blown away. I had deliberately not asked for what the problem was, to see whether I’d pick up on it – and it was that the kid’s feet were swelling heavily. They had been going to doctors running various tests without results.
The mother didn’t comment on the orange ball thing, just saying that the general characteristics of the child were as described, and the age was pre-puberty.
* * *
When running these tests, I was frequently wondering in how far, if I sensed enough things, and the person had enough health or emotional issues, there would always be some overlap – if they were cooperative, they’d find something to agree on.
Some of the cases seemed striking though. Especially those where I had nothing but a name; not even a picture; and the central health issue seemed to be conveniently marked in black. (For other examples see The heart of darkness and On letting people suffer (as an energy healer).)
So I spent weeks being bewildered. I was bewildered also by this case.
I felt compassion for the child, so although I did not want to do any official energy healing without permission from either child or mother, I just stayed with all the sensations I felt from this girl compassionately for a while.
A few weeks later my friend called to say “thank you” on behalf of the child’s mother. I asked, what for? She claimed that the swelling had remained absent since I had done that “scan”. That surprised me even more – coincidence; still, I had felt a distinct ease of contact with that child, and found it very, very easy to stay in her presence with compassion, so maybe in that case this happened to be all that was called for?
Which seems not implausible given the high sensitivity and life situation of the child, if one believes in such things.
* * *
I have now stopped experimenting with these things for a while. In part because they seemed to work, which befuddled my mind; in part because they seemed to work, which made me feel a crazy amount of pressure and responsibility any time someone asked me; I mean I really had no idea what I was doing – and if it was even semi-real and more than placebo – what if I screwed it up?
I assumed a large part was placebo (a.k.a. the well-documented positive effects of faith on the body) and could do no harm; on the other hand, some people didn’t know I’m working on them (on behalf of relatives – something I’m not allowing anymore) and still got better.
Others I couldn’t make proper contact with, or nothing happened. One woman who hadn’t been told that I’m working on her got so scared at the exact time I was doing the work that she demanded to be taken to a cardiologist. Stupid and embarrassing, that’s when I stopped allowing people to “order” secret work on relatives.
* * *
I am contemplating whether I’m ready to do some of this work again.
I have changed. (As usual.)
Last year I wasn’t settled in my own body, and I frequently ended up in the body of the client – so to speak. Being stuck in their sensations, absorbing them. Unable to become myself again.
I then learnt not to allow this kind of body-overlap, and just – like in this story – ask what needs to appear to appear visually between my hands; not flooding my whole body with visceral sensation, as it used to (yes, it used to. I’ve written a whole article series on how I more or less gradually managed to stop this.).
Then, with a lot more work – I learnt not to get flooded by this at all. Well, almost – except in some situations when tired, scared, or when for whatever other reason I failed to pay attention to remaining fully rooted in myself; to inhabiting my own body fully; and only my body. That may sound odd to those who don’t have this problemgift of being skinless and permeable.
* * *
And I think I’ve just started to enjoy the freedom.
You may not think of “not constantly feeling other people’s emotions and sensations” as your first off-the-shelf definition of freedom.
But I’ve started enjoying it, enjoying all the energy I save and all the focus that remains with me, and can be put into my own life and activities (even if initially I had to deliberately force it to stay there). I enjoy the feeling of having a definite location, and boundaries – I probably still don’t have a skin, but at least I have something like a centre and extension. And there is gravity. What a relief.
I’m afraid that if I open myself to this work again, at others’ requests or at an inner request, I’ll snap right back to being in pieces; pieces hanging in clouds.
Pieces hanging in clouds like uncrystallised raindrops.
* * *
In Belonging Here: A Guide for the Spiritually Sensitive Person, Judith Blackstone writes that after learning to inhabit one’s own body, one can then reach out to others in a new way, while simultaneously remaining rooted. Extending, not moving; not abandoning (self).
I’m not sure I can do that.
This is also the only book I’ve ever found that remotely made sense of these experiences and held relevant advice; though perhaps there’s more in the esoteric literature, that I’ve been keeping a certain distance from.
Maybe I’ll be able to do that one day, though.