A journal entry in improvised music

It’s been hard for me to write this week. Apparently overexposed myself to the sun due to unforeseen events, then had a host of strange symptoms; no health insurance and fear of doctors, living alone and without someone who would hold my hand throughout this strange spell of palpitations, anxiety, vertigo and nausea. Realising yet again this is not a tenable life situation, nevertheless for now it is what is.  Proud of not having made it worse by entering spirals of out-of-hand depression, fear or rage.

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Since I couldn’t write or read, for the first time in a long time, I felt an urge to express myself through music. So I decided to give my thoughts to the electric piano standing around here, since I had to get them out of me in some way.

People with musical training may get a headache from this, because I’ve had none and only play when I have feelings – it’s like I have an emotions-to-sounds pipeline, and when I don’t feel much, I can’t play. Whereas when I have emotions and thoughts that overwhelm me, I seem to somehow “pass out/over” into another state of consciousness and stuff gets played. Later when I listen to it I’m sometimes astonished that this was within me, and perhaps even get clearer on what all these emotions and thoughts were that were driving me nuts. Maybe music is my medium for understanding emotions, not just those of others, but even my own.

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I have a friend to whom I can sometimes send these improvisations, and she knows, listening to them, exactly what I think and feel that day. And describes it to me. That’s useful. Knowing others speak and understand this language as a more primary one, too.

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