In a previous post, I have described the Catch-22 (crazy-making) situation of having empath experiences while not realising others don’t. To keep up the reference to dystopic novels, over time this landed me in a serious 1984 episode of doublespeak.
Because in believing that all people have intense empath and intuitive experiences which for some enigmatic (tribal taboo) reason they don’t see a reason to discuss, as a child I was building my image of the world on a foundation of wildly mistaken assumptions.
In effect, I couldn’t make any sense of the social world that way (which included a lengthy episode of believing I’m autistic).
A relatively benign aspect of this may have been that e.g. someone’s clothes, grooming or accessories were (and to be honest, still are) to me minute uninteresting details that I barely registered. In comparison to the (frequently crushing) bulk of information I willy-nilly received from a person’s bodymindsoul through the direct feeling channel, these were barely perceptible and obviously irrelevant. Because if the signal on the empath antenna was unpleasant, incoherent, or otherwise grating, no amount of fancy dress would take away that sensation.
While I don’t necessarily see the above as negative, when growing up I experienced a lot of backlash due to it, for example people perceiving me as a rebel or provocative or deliberately disobedient or purposely alienating myself – when I literally didn’t register that looks is a primary modality through which people (especially perhaps teenagers) perceive others and express themselves to others; I suppose because that’s what strikes your eye if energy waves don’t strike your body. (See What do people look like when you don’t see energy?)
If someone carried a deep pain inside, before I learnt to have a more nuanced approach to my empath perceptions, no amount of politeness and positivity would render me able to enjoy their company unproblematically; that is, without my mind constantly pushing me to make reference to what the person is trying to avoid. Because as a child I had no awareness that they were trying to avoid it – it was simply there, in plain sight, fair conversation game like anything else. So why did people sometimes randomly refuse to talk about the obvious?
White at other times they seemed to be making a big deal of things that were essentially invisible and incomprehensible to me (like looks and status)?
Because I didn’t know that our raw perception of the world was so different, I was spinning my head wondering how people manage to force themselves to behave in all these incomprehensible ways – assuming that on the inside, they are just like me.
That just like me, they see and sense mostly energy in both animate and inanimate forms, see visions daily before sleep, and when alone carry out intricate conversations with the spirits; but unlike me, they somehow manage to suppress or ignore that when they are together (don’t ask me why), and – don’t ask me how, but somehow – dance their incomprehensible dance of what to me seemed completely arbitrary rules. (If that again sounds autistic, read here.)
After understanding that I’m an empath and most others are not; and that – something a child is not aware of – not everyone is fiercely committed to exhuming and confronting their painful inner truths; and ready to do that at any moment; and that nobody (empaths and “spiritual” people included) has even complete access to what is going on (or living on) within them – the fog slowly started clearing up.
I went from thinking
How do people manage to focus on the design of the carpet and whether there’s dust on the drawer, when – heck – there is this Indian elephant dancing Bollywood about to ruin the furniture anyways? And isn’t it much more interesting to watch, besides?
to understanding that hey, people manage to dust the drawer and change the carpet because for them the elephant isn’t really there; or maybe it’s just a faint, semi-transparent shadow. I can let them be. Or, if I decide to, I can gently nudge them to suggest – hey, have you ever wondered there may be someone else in the room?